Pissy-Cats and Poopy-Dogs, Part I

Honest. To. Pete.

I am going to strangle my "pets" before too long. When Henrico Behavioral Health etc. comes to evaluate me, I will be mumbling incomprehensibly about lemon-scented pee, "poopsicles," and "food so good you have to eat it twice."

Hello? Are you still there?

Yes, it's thoroughly gross, icky, disgusting subject matter. It's also incredibly gross clean-up matter. But, unfortunately, for me right now it is a fact of life. My cat, Itty Fitty (YES, that's her NAME, leave it aLONE!), also known as The Evil Cat-Beast, is somewhere between 14 and 17 years old. I don't know whether her age is the cause, or whether the FIV that she has been infected with for the past 12 or 13 years is the cause, but she has this ISSUE. It ISSUES from her bladder. At some point, she decided that life was "litter-box optional." This creates conflict, because in MY book, litter-box attendance is mandatory for all kitties. Especially kitties who live in homes I pay large portions of my salary to purchase and maintain.

I have a problem with guilt where Itty Fitty is concerned. When she started peeing on the floor, I confined her to the only room I could (at the time), which was my bedroom. When she started peeing IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BED, oh dear GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, CAT? THE DOWN COMFORTER ANDDDDD THE FEATHER BED?????? I went to Lowe's, purchased the wood and wire, and commissioned my father the engineer to help me build a large, comfy kitty-condo. It is 2' wide by 3' long by 4' high, and has three levels. It has a window view. It has an automatic-dispensing feeder that feeds as much high-quality kibble as she can gobble. It has THREE water bowls (because she likes to play patty-feet with water bowls, and knock them over). The litter box is convenient, but not where she has to sit or sleep in it. I hand-made kitty beds for her, which can be easily laundered in case of yak. When I am there to supervise her, I close the bedroom door (fool me twice...well, you're not going to fool me twice...)and let her out to play, visit, etc. She is an affectionate cat in her old age. She seems generally happy and contented.

Not long ago, I discovered that she has been PEEING on the WALL-TO-WALL-CARPET in the spare room, where her kitty-condo is. Right in FRONT of the litter box. I have steam-cleaned, and carpet-shampooed, but it is Cat Pee. So, you know. There are some fragrances that are just permanent. So, Itty Fitty returned to live in her "condo" on a more regular basis. At least until I could let her out without murdering her in cold blood.

The people who have been in on this situation from the very beginning say that they understand. In fact, several of them have commented that there are many folks who would not keep a Pissy-Cat, and would either have her put down ("She's certainly OLD enough!") or would leave her at the mercy of the local animal shelter ("Maybe somebody who doesn't care what their house smells like will adopt her.") So I shouldn't feel guilty, right? I am doing the best I can to give her a comfortable life, in a responsible fashion. Without having to sleep in cat urine.

Each night when I get home from work, and every Saturday and Sunday morning, she greets me with a happy and hopeful, "Prrrr?" When it becomes clear that I am not going to do more than say hello, she turns to a full-throated, demanding, "Murrrrrowwwww! Rrrrrowwwww!" And it goes on and on. And on. But I can deal with that! Really! (With only a slight twitch in my left eye.) The part that bothers me is when someone who doesn't know the full situation comes over. It usually only takes about 3 minutes before they will utter the words, "Poor kitty!" If I let her out of her condo to come visit, she makes a beeline for the dog's water-bowl, and drinks as if she hasn't seen water in WEEKS. A sun-baked traveler who just crossed the Sahara has nothing on her. The bowls in her condo? Full, or nearly so. She tries to convince any new person that that is NOT Fit To Drink, it is old bathwater, or cleaning fluid. And with her wide, innocent gaze and desperate lapping pink tongue, she seems to have pretty good success. And I feel guilty. I know that I am doing the best I can; I know that she is as healthy as a cat her age can be. I know that she has all the necessities of life, and some of the luxuries. So I protest; I explain the Piddle Problem, and all the remedies that were tried (including antidepressants!), and point out that she's old, how much exercise does she need? And of course protesting, as it always does in the movies, makes me look LESS guilty. (That was sarcasm.)

Maybe it is just my perception, but it seems that these folks don't look at me quite the same way after her performance. My explanations of the Piddle Problem, and demonstration of the fresh, cool water in her own water bowl, seem to fall on deaf ears. Confine a kitty? Why not just drown her? How can I explain that the truth is closer to the other way 'round?